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A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away.” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars.....trust me on this one.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.