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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I thought `Pokemon` was a Jamaican Porn... My bad...
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.