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I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
The only thing wrong with eary mornings is being awake.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.