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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.