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Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.