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Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.