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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Mirrors don’t lie. And, lucky for me, they don’t laugh either.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.