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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
No one wants to hear about your diet. Just eat your salad and be sad.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..