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K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.