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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What`s your point?
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new