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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
Why do they play this music on the elevators if we`re not suppose to slow dance.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.