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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Your a$$ must be jealous everytime sh*t comes out of your mouth.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.