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If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....
You had me at 0 mutual friends