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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.