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Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.