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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
If your having a bad day, remember that somewhere on this big planet, someone just lost their straw in a capri sun!!
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.