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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.