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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.