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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!