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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
It hurts when you goto unfriend someone only to discover they beat you to it
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...