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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.