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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.