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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
Hash browns not tags.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.