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I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!