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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
Tonight, I`m bringing Sexy back! I just hope I don`t need a receipt...
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.