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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
To get laid is good. To get off is good. To get laid off is bad.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.