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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.