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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.