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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?