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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as “that weird thing I did for a while.”
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1