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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
Can you imagine how sexy I`d be if I ate right and took care of my body... I`m not going to, but can you imagine
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”