Daily Silly Status

Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.

If I throw a stick will you leave?

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.

We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?

There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

Life is fun! You should get one.

There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.

The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.

You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!

So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?

I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!