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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say "Give me the dumbest thing you can think of."
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.