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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Gym Update: Not there.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.