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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.