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French people give me the crepes.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.