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Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Where have you been all my life? Can you go back there?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.