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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"