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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.