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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
In space they just call it "Jam"
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
Hey whiny kids with iPhones: when I was your age, I played with a stick.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying