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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Save time. See it my way.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.