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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today :) - LOL
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.