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I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
I was an adult once. Then I opened a Facebook account.
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
wants to rock and roll all night
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
The man who created the Thesaurus has died. He`ll be fondly remembered, commemorated, memorialized, recalled and recollected.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.