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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
The only dates I get are updates.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Don`t get out of bed, it`s a trap.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.