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Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
There`s a word for people like you and that word is "leave."
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.