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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.