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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.