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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
At the end of the day, it`s 11:59pm.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"