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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?