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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there