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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you