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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
Condoms prevent minivans.
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.