Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.