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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.