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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego.