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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
My participation in this meeting will be based solely on the snacks they provide.