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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.
Technically, every picture is a before picture.