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I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?