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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Why am I single? Answer me. . . ANSWER ME YOU STUPID CATS!!!
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before