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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.