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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.