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Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.