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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Saw a post stating "taking it one day at a time," so I responded "me too. That`s how days work."
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.