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So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is `What is never the answer?`
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."