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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
there is no strong beer, only weak men
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.