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If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around