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I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
This status has been censored by Facebook
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."