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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?