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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!