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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I think...therefore, I am.....single
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."