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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .