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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
it`s friday o clock
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.