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More often than not, the excitement of a Facebook friend request dies upon discovering who it is.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!