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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I cant remember the last time i forgot something
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music