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The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I`m doing nothing right now... it`s totally possible.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
I`m starting to think that all those hours in school, when I practiced writing my autograph, was just a waste of time.....
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when Iām done.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...