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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
My mom always said that I`d never find a man dumb enough to marry me. Well, I showed her...
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.