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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?