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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.