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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. They are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
It`s spooky how many kids look like their owners.