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When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.