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I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs...by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell