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A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some Iād love to punch them in the face.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!