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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.