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I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
Your personality needs alcohol.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.