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When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…