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You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that. - Life.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I wish my wallet came with free refills.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?