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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Do bees even have knees?
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.