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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.