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wonders how you can knock sense into someone when you`re beating them senseless?
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.