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Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!