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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
Sometimes people don`t notice or appreciate the things we do for them, until we stop doing it. Then they are like, “Why don’t you stalk me anymore”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride