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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.