Daily Silly Status

I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.

The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.

Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.

Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!

ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable

Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."

I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.

Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.

I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.

This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.