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For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.