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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".