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Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time