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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
wants to rock and roll all night
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.