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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.