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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
No one has ever said, "You know what would make this even better? ... Turkey bacon."
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
There is no time to check time
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude