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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
I`m only 2 girls short of a threesome.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Always believe a woman when she says: “You don`t want to know!”
Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!